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I spent some time writing and thinking about what I want out of life. I have never really articulated that to myself. Instead just pointing in the general direction without specifics. Questions I have been asked over the years have prompted me to define and clarify within myself, what it is that I want and desire. Eliminating grand and noble generalizations for what is really important to me.
I suspect that the changes in myself and the changes in my perception are part of the process of growing and have certainly altered my relationship with the "not me" I feel the embrace so much deeper and closer than ever before in my life.
Last night I had a very odd dream. It was unlike any I have ever had. I am seldom so there in my dreams, usually just a visitor from afar. Last night was so different. Perhaps I am uncovering more of who and what I am. It is a dream that I'll not easily forget. Some many years ago I was told to let myself go, to fully become alive. It is/was something that I know would change me forever and I refused to try. Who would I become? Would I loose all I was inside? Would I find life to be fatal? Would I... would I become vulnerable? Would I cry? During the past six months I have experienced things I have never felt before. Perhaps my resolve to let the universe decide, opened a door. Maybe I am now on the other side?
The dream has many of the symbols and archetypes of my sense of self, my remembrance of awakening, and my resolve to be all I can be. Maybe it was the tuna fish sandwich I had last night? Was it the music I composed and played?  Lots of whats and lots of whys. The me I am is changing and I am a bit surprised....

The misty rain is perfect. A day spent in quiet meditation with only the sounds of my breath and music to break the silence. Well and maybe the clicks of the keyboard and my taping fingers lol  Its great to have time to wonder, to ponder, and reflect.

The Dream
The dream began with me and another person leaving by car to a place nearby. It was in a town of sorts with brick buildings and streets. Cars and people moved along. You were driving and said we were going to check on some animals. We would feed them and check that they were doing fine. After a bit of driving we followed a narrow street to its end. There was a vehicle blocking the place to turn, so you backed the car into a place near by. We walked into the house and there were a few animals. One in particular got my attention. It was a dog in a small wire cage, bouncing on the floor. I though it might want some water and headed to the kitchen to get a bowl. After I filled it with water, I placed it under the table and a small lizard immediately jumped into the bowl. A cat or possum soon came by and the dog, now out of the cage bounded into the bowl. I tried to get the dog before it spilled the bowl, while the possum/cat grabbed the curtains with its claw. The lizard in the bowl had changed into another type and when I looked up you were nowhere insight. I went into one of the rooms and there was a person (young woman) there. I asked if she knew where you went? She said you went out back. I found a door and it opened into a very big.... yard, complete with mountains and valleys. I spent some time searching and came across some kids playing in a pond. I asked them if they had seen you and they nodded no in response. As I head back to the house, I noticed a large crocodile lumbering toward the pond. I began to feel a bit odd.
Back inside the house, there were five or six rather interesting people sitting around. A few were elderly and the rest were youngish children/adults. They were not dressed in fancy clothes and seemed/felt a bit hoboish to me. A few were eating from containers and amid the people was stuff on the floor. I felt a bit ill at ease. They were friendly enough but felt strange none-the-less to me. I headed out the door we came in, walking through the 'garage' and as I walked back to where the car was parked, I began to feel really odd. There was a building to my left. It reminded me of a feed/grain store. A big opening that perhaps the truck that blocked the driveway would use to get supplies. As I looked into the opening, I saw what looked like sheets of plywood, arranged like pages of a book, with the long edge up. It began to turn, reminding me of a turbine, as it revolved faster and faster, music began to play. It was a haunting kind of music, making sounds like a mixture of a calliope and organ. As I neared the corner of the building, I felt a sense of dread. The truck was still there but the car was gone.
I had no idea where I was and knew of no way back. I went into the house and asked the people if they knew who you were and when you might be back. They smiled at me and said I should join them in a snack. I remembered my cell phone and thought to call you. When I pulled it out of my pocket I was aghast. It looked like it was your cell phone. I wondered what had happened to mine? Perhaps while I was tending to the water and animals, I lost mine. The one in my hand didn't work anyway. I went back to the water bowl under the table and watched as the lizards and other animals mutated into other forms, acting quite naturally and matter of fact. I couldn't find my cell phone anywhere. When I checked my pockets again, I felt another phone and pulled it out. It certainly wasn't mine and it appeared to be quite ancient. I felt again in my pocket and yet another cell phone was there. It felt like mine but when I pulled it out is had transformed into yet another ancient device. I did this maybe ten times. I began to realize that something odd was happening. I headed out back again and saw the mountains were also changing and mutating. The land was undulating and animals and birds were also transforming. Even the outside of the house was changing as I watched. I headed back inside. The people had dispersed and just an older person remained in the 'living room'. What is happening to me I asked? Have I gone insane? Not to worry he/she said, this is just naturally what happens when the music plays. Within a few seconds even the person had transformed and I was alone.
I headed back through the 'garage' which now was full of stuff. I found my way to the door. The building with the music no longer had an opening. The folks with the truck were turned around and as they were leaving I asked if I could get a ride into town. They looked at me in disbelief and said sure hop on board. I got into the back of the truck and noticed another fellow there. The street was gone, as the truck began to move I saw we were on a dirt road going into the distance as far as I could see. The music still played and after what seemed hours there became a gap in the road that grew wider and wider. At the bottom was a stream flowing over rocks and such. The truck began to transform. The cab disappeared and the back became shaped more and more like a boat. I reached out to the edge of where the road had been. It was now like a cliff with plants growing everywhere. I held on as the boat began to descend into the now raging river below. I felt one of the plants attach it self to the back of my hand. I watched as my hand began to turn into rock. I struggled to free my hand and dislodged some rocks which fell down into the boat. I hoped that the man in the boat wasn't hit. When I looked, I saw the boat transforming into a rock the river now rushed over. More of the plants began to attach themselves to my hands. I struggled to free myself and wondered what was happening. I finally was able to remove the plants just as the music stopped and I awoke.
I was absolutely stunned. Never in my life have I ever felt a dream so vividly. I have had lucid dreams and this was unlike anything I have experienced. I fell back asleep and woke up this morning with the dream still present in my mind. Apparently my world, my life is being transformed or I am loosing my mind lol.



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