The Test

Have you ever wondered why you are conscious and can wonder why you are conscious? I do, and sometimes the reasons I find for being conscious are truly bizarre. The most interesting reason of all however, was the one this story is about.

There was a beginning, at least it seems there had to be one. Very hard to imagine, spontaneous manifestation that exists for a moment without regard to past or future. At least for me, it's easier to accept if there is some starting point. Doesn't necessarily have to have an end.

Being conscious is a very neat and interesting thing. Able to think about thinking is a quality of existence that seems redundant at first. As though somehow being conscious is just so that it (consciousness) can be conscious of itself. Even more fascinating is the ability of the conscious beings to selectively filter and choose to be separate from other conscious beings. This makes consciousness oxymoronic as well as redundant. Also awareness seems perfectly adequate for life, so why/what caused a need for consciousness?

Enough of the preamble, and contemplation. This story began a long time ago in a world far away. But close enough to have a profound and lasting impact on life here.

The Test

I didn't ask nor was I asked. I was chosen, it seems, not because of any special attributes, but probably because I was a very early model and there was nothing to loose by using me. Even if things didn't work out well.

I wasn't informed of the procedure and wasn't even aware of what was happening at the time. I was however, quite aware of the moment when I was asked to leave the only home I had ever known. I looked with eyes wide, wondering what had I done that I would be asked to leave? I searched through my memories for anything that might have caused this 'perceived/apparent' exile/punishment. I could not even imagine doing anything that would have been so 'bad'. The only thing that I was finally able to discover were the missing moments in my memory. How was that possible? How could I not remember those moments? What might have happened? Like all my other questions and pleadings to remain, I was told, that this was something, no one wanted to have to do but that I would have to leave.

I was told that I wouldn't need much on the journey just my wits and a few personal things. Besides, where I was going, none of the toys and other joys would survive the journey and they would be safe and secure here, until I returned. That statement both bothered and excited me. I would return! Well, they weren't real sure about that, but the stuff would definitely be safe and secure. They were very sure about that.

I thought about begging and pleading some more, but it was very clear that they would continue to ignore me so I asked how/when I was to leave. They all smiled and said: "You'll use this vessel, and how about now"?

Waking up

It was a sunny day and the bright light was warm and comforting. I stretched and sat up in bed, looking at the colors and shadows dancing in the fields of grain outside my window. Beside the bed were my clothes and shoes. Even a scarf for my forehead. I got dressed and went outside to play. It was a happy time and familiar faces and sounds greeted my every turn. Even as the sun began to set, the day seemed hardly old. We danced and sang into the dusk, while the twilight scattered the shadows. We bid each other a good night and I headed home down the worn and familiar path of youth. Life was grand and exciting. No worries nor concerns just discovery and exploration. I would have stayed there forever had not the strangest thing happened. On one of those fine days, I had a thought. Maybe even the first thought I ever had. At first it was a bit odd and frightening but after thinking about it for a bit, it actually made me feel comfortable and even relieved. I tired to share it with others, but was saddened to learn that they did not understand what I was saying and more importantly they did not want me to talk about it. So, I just let it simmer and rumble around in the brain.


Many years later, I had an experience that caused that thought to re-appear and realized that I had forgotten all about it for those many years. I began to search and look for any clues as to how/why it originated. Most importantly was: "why did I have it at all"?

By now I was in the working world and had a job like most others. I also had developed an interest in music and others arts. But was really interested in playing music and writing/composing, both music and short stories. One day I wrote a story without having any idea of a subject or topic. After I had finished the story, I read it and was astounded. The story was about another world/reality.


I had spent most of my life in seeking self. Even my work (in the field of energy) was a model of self. I read all the ancient books and modern ones as well. Every where I looked was to see if there were any hints as to who/what I am. I knew by now that I was different than most others, and even my closest friends didn't seem to really understand me, nor appreciate the search for self. I felt quite alone and very much wondering what caused this difference. I withdrew into my own reality and became more determined than ever to understand and learn who/what I am.


I spent the next few years depressed and alone. Always believing that somewhere there existed an being who was like myself. Everyone I met, I questioned and asked about my dreams and my thoughts/ideas. And though hope was always present, the only glimmers of another remained out of reach and as some suggested purely fantasy. My own beliefs had grown and matured and I was beginning to think that while others considered them fantasy, they were becoming part of my self.


A few years ago, I again started to do my art. Music still enthralled me but art allowed me ways of expression that were unreachable in music. The changing reality in which I lived seemed to accommodate me in providing a venue and audience that wasn't possible through music. And I began to realize much more about myself through my art. The companion and friends in my life also have been a great and loving support. Even through the tough times, they helped and stayed by my side. Without their care and love I certainly would have left this reality long ago.


I am a bit older now, and many things have happened in my life. Some good and some bad, but overall, my life has been a worth while and exciting adventure. Looking back, it was the consciousness that seemed to be so wonderful. With that I was able to explore and discover things that would have otherwise just been 'there'. I am still not complete and my memory still has those missing moments. And although I was asked to leave the only home I ever knew, I have had the opportunity to share and experience another home that I can call mine. It's really been an unforgettable life.

The test Consciousness is a grand idea and is certainly one of the most incredible and beautiful of all creation. It does have it's draw backs, the loss of moments and the difficulty of having no beginning. It's just the sort of thing that is not for everyone. But for those who are able to realize the opportunity, it is a blessing and a unique test. I always wondered why they called me Lucifer when I was asked to leave and now at least, I have a story to tell.


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