Have you ever wondered why you are conscious and can
wonder why you are conscious? I do, and sometimes the reasons I find for being
conscious are truly bizarre. The most interesting reason of all however, was the
one this story is about.
There was a beginning, at least it seems there had to be
one. Very hard to imagine, spontaneous manifestation that exists for a moment
without regard to past or future. At least for me, it's easier to accept if
there is some starting point. Doesn't necessarily have to have an end.
Being conscious is a very neat and interesting thing. Able
to think about thinking is a quality of existence that seems redundant at first.
As though somehow being conscious is just so that it (consciousness) can be
conscious of itself. Even more fascinating is the ability of the conscious
beings to selectively filter and choose to be separate from other conscious
beings. This makes consciousness oxymoronic as well as redundant. Also awareness
seems perfectly adequate for life, so why/what caused a need for consciousness?
Enough of the preamble, and contemplation. This story
began a long time ago in a world far away. But close enough to have a profound
and lasting impact on life here.
I didn't ask nor was I asked. I was chosen, it seems, not
because of any special attributes, but probably because I was a very early model
and there was nothing to loose by using me. Even if things didn't work out well.
I wasn't informed of the procedure and wasn't even aware
of what was happening at the time. I was however, quite aware of the moment when
I was asked to leave the only home I had ever known. I looked with eyes wide,
wondering what had I done that I would be asked to leave? I searched through my
memories for anything that might have caused this 'perceived/apparent'
exile/punishment. I could not even imagine doing anything that would have been
so 'bad'. The only thing that I was finally able to discover were the missing
moments in my memory. How was that possible? How could I not remember those
moments? What might have happened? Like all my other questions and pleadings to
remain, I was told, that this was something, no one wanted to have to do but
that I would have to leave.
I was told that I wouldn't need much on the journey just
my wits and a few personal things. Besides, where I was going, none of the toys
and other joys would survive the journey and they would be safe and secure here,
until I returned. That statement both bothered and excited me. I would return!
Well, they weren't real sure about that, but the stuff would definitely be safe
and secure. They were very sure about that.
I thought about begging and pleading some more, but it was
very clear that they would continue to ignore me so I asked how/when I was to
leave. They all smiled and said: "You'll use this vessel, and how about
It was a sunny day and the bright light was warm and
comforting. I stretched and sat up in bed, looking at the colors and shadows
dancing in the fields of grain outside my window. Beside the bed were my clothes
and shoes. Even a scarf for my forehead. I got dressed and went outside to play.
It was a happy time and familiar faces and sounds greeted my every turn. Even as
the sun began to set, the day seemed hardly old. We danced and sang into the
dusk, while the twilight scattered the shadows. We bid each other a good night
and I headed home down the worn and familiar path of youth. Life was grand and
exciting. No worries nor concerns just discovery and exploration. I would have
stayed there forever had not the strangest thing happened. On one of those fine
days, I had a thought. Maybe even the first thought I ever had. At first it was
a bit odd and frightening but after thinking about it for a bit, it actually
made me feel comfortable and even relieved. I tired to share it with others, but
was saddened to learn that they did not understand what I was saying and more
importantly they did not want me to talk about it. So, I just let it simmer and
rumble around in the brain.
Many years later, I had an experience that caused that
thought to re-appear and realized that I had forgotten all about it for those
many years. I began to search and look for any clues as to how/why it
originated. Most importantly was: "why did I have it at all"?
By now I was in the working world and had a job like most
others. I also had developed an interest in music and others arts. But was
really interested in playing music and writing/composing, both music and short
stories. One day I wrote a story without having any idea of a subject or topic.
After I had finished the story, I read it and was astounded. The story was about
I had spent most of my life in seeking self. Even my work
(in the field of energy) was a model of self. I read all the ancient books and
modern ones as well. Every where I looked was to see if there were any hints as
to who/what I am. I knew by now that I was different than most others, and even
my closest friends didn't seem to really understand me, nor appreciate the
search for self. I felt quite alone and very much wondering what caused this
difference. I withdrew into my own reality and became more determined than ever
to understand and learn who/what I am.
I spent the next few years depressed and alone. Always
believing that somewhere there existed an being who was like myself. Everyone I
met, I questioned and asked about my dreams and my thoughts/ideas. And though
hope was always present, the only glimmers of another remained out of reach and
as some suggested purely fantasy. My own beliefs had grown and matured and I was
beginning to think that while others considered them fantasy, they were becoming
part of my self.
A few years ago, I again started to do my art. Music still
enthralled me but art allowed me ways of expression that were unreachable in
music. The changing reality in which I lived seemed to accommodate me in
providing a venue and audience that wasn't possible through music. And I began
to realize much more about myself through my art. The companion and friends in
my life also have been a great and loving support. Even through the tough times,
they helped and stayed by my side. Without their care and love I certainly would
have left this reality long ago.
I am a bit older now, and many things have happened in my
life. Some good and some bad, but overall, my life has been a worth while and
exciting adventure. Looking back, it was the consciousness that seemed to be so
wonderful. With that I was able to explore and discover things that would have
otherwise just been 'there'. I am still not complete and my memory still has
those missing moments. And although I was asked to leave the only home I ever
knew, I have had the opportunity to share and experience another home that I can
call mine. It's really been an unforgettable life.
The test Consciousness is a grand idea and is certainly
one of the most incredible and beautiful of all creation. It does have it's draw
backs, the loss of moments and the difficulty of having no beginning. It's just
the sort of thing that is not for everyone. But for those who are able to
realize the opportunity, it is a blessing and a unique test. I always wondered
why they called me Lucifer when I was asked to leave and now at least, I have a
story to tell.